An Epic Failure

RIP
2005-2009

I read the Chronicles of Narnia series when I was a kid. I also read it in college when I was a deadhead who loved reading on the lawn (see Bonaroo post). Because of that time, I was REALLY into fantasy and thought the Narnia series was so much more epic than CS Lewis perhaps imagined it. I used to sit on the lawn with my jaw dropped at the monumental forces which were at work in front of my eyes; finding connections with quantum physics beneath the melting pages. These were also kids books, so reading one of them in a few hours made me feel accomplished. I also formed a personal attachment to one of the characters: Prince Caspian. Because I liked the name, I took the title and applied to one of my characters in my novels and artwork. Back in 2005, I was really excited at the announcement that they were going to take the series and make it into seven films. The first film (Lion Witch and the Wardrobe) was released in 2005 to many underwhelmed fans. three years later in 2008, I sat watching the second film (prince Caspian) by myself, surrounded by families. Now in 2009, I have learned that the third film (Voyage Of The Dawn Treader) has been pushed by to 2010. The films adaptation to the story is fair, even to the point of loyal. However this gap between films is corroding my fascination with talking lions and wood nymphs. There are a number of reasons why the seven films will never get made. Despite constant rewrites and lack of directorial vision, the audience for these films is not as strong as it should be. Lord of the Rings had the unwavering support of the high fantasy crowd. The Star Wars series had a stranglehold on the Science Fiction Scene. Chronicles of Narnia is a children's fantasy which has the nostalgia of parents but can never lock into the Young Adult demographic. Perhaps if the movies were released yearly, interest could be kept up, but changing fasincations will certainly delay further pictures. These films are certainly catered to children who identify more with singing high school students and romantic vampires than the magic of talking animals. The fourth film (Silver Chair) in this series is planned but it is anyone's guess whether or not we will see it.

And The Award...(2009)

It feels like ages ago since I sat through the Love guru trying to drown out the insanity with wine. The Award Season ends with the grand finale of The Oscars and the Razzies. Im sure you have heard by now that the Indie/Indian firecracker Slumdog Millionare swept the Oscars. Additonally it is also garnering hatred from pretentious film critics who sung its praise for just before it gained demigod status. While I still firmly believe the award season has nothing in common with artistic merit, I will still keep an ear open for the worst film awards. As with most Razzie ceremonies, certain movies stand out to be the worst overall and leagues above other movies in poor quality. This years grand slam belongs to Mike Myers cosmic insult to the nation of India in the The Love Guru. I guess the same year India is recognized as a major cinematic force is a poor time to make the Love Guru. Actually I think anytime is bad for the Love Guru.


Worst Picture: The Love Guru
Worst Actor: Mike Myers, The Love Guru
Worst Actress: Paris Hilton, THE HOTTIE AND THE NOTTIE
Worst Supporting Actress: Paris Hilton, REPO: THE GENETIC OPERA
Worst Supporting Actor: Pierce Brosnan, MAMMA MIA!
Worst Screen Couple: Paris Hilton and either Christine Lakin or Joel David Moore, THE HOTTIE AND THE NOTTIE
Worst Prequel,Remake, Rip-off or Sequel (Combined Category for 2008): Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull
Worst Director: Uwe Boll, 1968: Tunnel Rats, In The Name of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, and Postal
Worst Screenplay: The Love Guru , Written by Mike Myers & Graham Gordy
Worst Career Achievement: Uwe Boll, (Germany’s Answer to Ed Wood)

someday...

Someday, I will make a piece of misleading disinformation that will leak its way onto the internet. Someday I will create a fact that will strike fear in the hearts of everyone's inbox. someday I will be famous. While this list is fake, maybe someday we will be given an advanced copy that will be tacked on a cork board in the hallway. It would save everyone 3 hours of their life. Enjoy the Oscars and the buffett which follows.

Tekkonkinkreet (2006)

While I was looking in blockbuster one Friday night for Pineapple Express, my girlfriend chose Tekkonkinkreet as her movie for the night. I have no idea why I was so enthusiastic about watching an Apatow related stoner comedy (but I was.) Perhaps it was because I saw a commercial for Pinnaple Express only a few hours before and trudged my way to blockbuster just to rent it. Tekkonkinkreet is an Japanese animated movie from Studio 4C (The Animatrix).Studio 4c prides itself on straddeling the gap between mainstream animation and independent credibility. The story written by Taiyō Matsumoto revolves around two orphans who protect a decaying metropolis from professional gangsters, street thugs and aliens. While the plot is simple, the charm of Tekkonkinkreet lies in its depiction of dense urban lifestyle and magical action from each of the characters. Additionally, the inner dialogue between all of the characters (side and major) is astounding to the point of poetic. This film ranks in the upper echelons of anime which did not make me fall asleep drooling on the floor. I watched Tekkonkinkreet immediatly following Pinnaple Express. Some of you few readers maybe wondering how the Apatow related stoner comedy faired with his other movies (or even against the broader scope of buddy comedy action). Let me just say everything works out in the end with the majority of laughs front-loaded against a ungodly long climax. Maybe next time Apatow.

Apache

Bonnaroo 2009

I specifically remember Bonnaroo being one of the biggest festivals in the early 00's. I spent a considerable amount of time around the turn of the century going to shows and basking in the echoes of the 60's. Festivals, for me, were gathering of free spirits to celebrate music and open thinking. I was in community college at this time and convinced that the music of the jam band scene constituted a second wave of counter cultural activity. I wanted to major in philosophy at this time and engaged in discussions on existentialism in barefeet. I had long hair and I wore a green crystal wrapped in a net of hemp around my neck. I found the archetype of the genius pothead to be incredibly appealing. I carried incredibly ethereal books around with me and tried to read them after my morning rides. Notes on Relativity. Victorian Poetry. Being and Nothingness. I never finished any of them despite me carrying them in my backpack everyday. My unread philosophy books piled up on my shelves. I had terrible attention deficit which prevented me from fully understanding my books. I wanted to be cultured and subvert the stereotype of the slow deadhead. I was also perscribed medication for ADD which I sold and overused for a period. It would just be for tests and days when I could sit on the college lawn for hours talking about things which were important to me. Eventually my stomach hurt from lack of eating and cigarette smoke. I would still be up some mornings furiously sketching out ideas for new Grateful Dead shirts. In the morning I would ride to school and spend my time with other free thinkers. They would also be philosophy students on their 5th year associates. We would all sit together and talk about things we thought were important. My friends would make plans for upcoming shows and we would all talk about the possibility of going to Bonnaroo, Burning Man or Amsterdamn. Five years later, I came home for Christmas and went to a party filled with the very people who I described. They were my alternate selves if I never stopped and left. If I stayed in that college graduated and moved down the street, I would be here right now. Not tallking to myself. I met me in the kitchen with dreads who got into a violent discussion on legalization and psychology. My other self was freindly and helped bring in empty beer bottles with a sense of determination. However, when others refused to hear my point of view, I got fustrated. How could others not see what I think. Could that of been me? Could I of stayed and had stories of finally going to Bonnaroo? Bonnaroo always seemed like an odessey for people willing to invest the time and money into seeing an unbelievable line up. Right now, Cochella and Bonnaroo battle for who can have the more unbelievable act. I still wont be going to Bonnaroo despite an amazing line up. That was another time for me. I threw away my tent ages ago.


2009:
Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band
Phish
Beastie Boys
Nine Inch Nails
David Byrne
Wilco
Al Green
Snoop Dogg
Elvis Costello Solo
Erykah Badu
Paul Oakenfold
Ben Harper and Relentless7
The Mars Volta
TV on the Radio
Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Gov’t Mule
Andrew Bird
Merle Haggard
MGMT
moe.
The Decemberists
Girl Talk
Bon Iver
Béla Fleck & Toumani Diabate
Rodrigo y Gabriela
Galactic
The Del McCoury Band
Of Montreal
Allen Toussaint
Coheed and Cambria
Booker T & the DBTs
David Grisman Quintet
Lucinda Williams
Animal Collective
Gomez
Neko Case
Down
Jenny Lewis
Santogold
Band of Horses
Robert Earl Keen
Citizen Cope
Femi Kuti and the Positive Force
The Ting Tings
Robyn Hitchcock & The Venus 3
Grace Potter and the Nocturnals
Kaki King
Grizzly Bear
King Sunny Adé
Okkervil River
St. Vincent
Zac Brown Band
Raphael Saadiq
Ted Leo and the Pharmacists
Crystal Castles
Tift Merritt
Brett Dennen
Mike Farris and the Roseland Rhythm Revue
Toubab Krewe
People Under the Stairs
Alejandro Escovedo
Vieux Farka Touré
Elvis Perkins In Dearland
Cherryholmes
Yeasayer
Todd Snider
Chairlift
Portugal. The Man.
The SteelDrivers
Midnite
The Knux
The Low Anthem
Delta Spirit
A.A. Bondy
The Lovell Sisters
Alberta Cross

Myspace Suicide Now Movie

Back in 2006, a cyberbullying case led to the death of a young teenager named Megan Meier. The case prompted national attention to social networking sites and undo speculation by pundits who know little about the internet. Because the story is fabled; studio execs found it ripe for adaptation. Supposedly, this story will involve original events woven together by a vigilante story. The story will have a grieving mother "dealing out her brand of social justice," to the culprits who caused her daughters death. Awesome. This is strange only because a vigilante story never existed and is the product of ad wizards. Tragedy in Hollywood has always been prime investment. So this story shouldn't come as any shock. I do not know why I am surprised as this movie but this adaptation has prompted more concern than laughter. Maybe it is because it is still fueled by fear of technology no one bothered to understand. To some the Internet is still a breeding ground of sex predators and cyberbullies. A marginal cross section of assholes will define an entire generation. Since it is social networking, I am also weighed down by an incredible lack of care and empathy for all parties involved. I can see no possible gain for this movie existing except the complete trivialization of tragedy. The older generation will fear the Internet more and the younger generation will care less about responsibility because the outcome has been made into a breathing parody. with any luck, this movie will be adopted by schools and shown in special assemblies. The story of Megan Meier will be seen by everyone and laughed at due to poor acting and ridiculous script. You have done again Hollywood. Feel proud.

Black Dynamite (2009)

An upcoming spoof on Blaxpoitation films from the 70's starring Michael Jai White (spawn, toxic Avenger). This is not the first post 70's Blaxploitation film (Jackie Brown, Original Gangstas) but it seems to be more comedic than others done before. The trailer looks entertaining and promising, however let us wait and see if the joke can be stretched 90+ minutes. The red band trailer can be seen here which not only has nudity and profanity it basically shows you the whole movie.

Genghis Tron - Board Up the house (Renolder Remix)

The Underworld series for me has slowly ascended from erroneous Hollywoood bullshit to slightly shameful timekiller. Underworld 3 was a suitable installment in an epic guilty pleasure which continues to drain me of money. I believe it is the movies themes of industrial rave / dark Victorian which strikes a chord in my past. This is the movie I would of written when I was 15, if approached by studio execs. Vampires vs Werewolves. Trenchcoats, pale skin, corsets and sub machine guns. The soundtrack for my film would be remixes of popular metal and alternative music. The ending credits for Underworld 3 features a remix of Genghis Tron's "Board Up The House." Daniel Lohner (Nine Inch Nails, Tapeworm, Marylin Manson) has successfully transformed the innovative sound of Genghis Tron into a dripping industrial remix circa 1995. I would be lying if I said I wasn't 100% enthralled in the heavy sounds which rolled over the credits. However, I would also be lying if I said I wasn't blushing during the entire song. Lohner's remix makes my more sensible 28 year old experience battle against my hedonistic 18 year old past self. Who will win? I have no idea.





Remix



Original